How to Get Sober When Your Spouse or Partner Isnt

I am also happily divorced from my first husband. And we are happily able to be kind and loving for our grown children. It took a lot of work and it was painful, but we are also better for making the changes that we did. Addicts, the Underdogs, usually have guilt and shame about their past behavior, while their mates harbor anger and resentment, often for things about which the addict has no recollection.

Emotional Abuse and Alcoholic Husbands and Wives

With all of their focus on their loved one’s recovery, people often forget they also are going through a recovery process of their own and completely neglect their feelings and needs. So, it’s crucial to find ways to support your spouse in addiction recovery without falling victim to the devastating ripple effect of the disease. Giving up on an alcoholic spouse is justified when you’ve tried everything to help them, and they aren’t willing to commit, or when you can’t take care of yourself or your family anymore. If you and your children are at risk or exposed to uncontrollable, unpredictable behavior, it’s time to leave. Throughout addiction recovery, many im sober and my spouse is not marriage and sobriety external circumstances may interfere with your ability to maintain sobriety. If you are recovering from alcohol use disorder (AUD), such circumstances may be greater in number since drinking is often the center of social gatherings and celebrations.

If you’re in recovery, can you stay with a partner who isn’t ready to get sober?

Social drinking is typically characterized by moderate alcohol consumption in a social setting without causing harm to the drinker or others around them. Binge drinking, on the other hand, is defined as drinking to the point of intoxication, often leading to risky behavior but doesn’t necessarily mean the person has AUD. Deciding to leave an alcoholic partner is an emotionally complex and daunting task. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to begin, these guidelines are meant to offer a more nuanced approach, considering both the immediate and long-term challenges you may face.

Then, of course, there is the fundamental question of how you spend time together. The newly recovering person will almost certainly not want to meet at the bar after work, and most partners will understand this and adjust social activities. Also, it’s perfectly okay to ask a partner who still drinks to brush their teeth before a kiss. Other adjustments, like keeping alcohol out of the house, are also reasonable requests. Boundaries are the lines you draw around your time, money, personal space, sex, interactions, etc. to protect your well-being.

Most importantly, know that you are not alone in your struggle- approximately 90 million Americans experience secondhand drinking. Recovery isn’t just possible for your spouse, but you as well. Sober or abstinent addicts have their own emotional challenges. It may be difficult to get through a day without using, drinking, or fighting the urge to do so. In addition to worrying about a slip, a recovering addict has anxiety that substance abuse has masked. Drugs smoothed over difficult feelings and situations that now must be faced “on the natch.” Anxiety may be covering deeper feelings of depression, shame, and emptiness.

• Our buckets have too many holes in them to hold water.
• Over the past several years of being alcohol-free, Royle has founded a non-alcoholic beverage business and married her partner.
• When it was triggered, which often occurred in his family relationships, he immediately withdrew.
• Boundaries are the lines you draw around your time, money, personal space, sex, interactions, etc. to protect your well-being.
• For love and the aspirations of a happy family.

The Silent Partner: Functional Alcoholism

I’ve known people (with partners who respected their recovery) who have managed it. I’ve also known people who have realized it would not work for them. I can only urge you to prioritize your own safety, health, and happiness, whatever you choose.

This kind of pain doesn’t leave bruises, but it can leave deep scars. I think we are together today for the second reason children of alcoholics marry alcoholics. When she saw me get drunk and start alcohol-induced arguments while we were dating and engaged, it was behavior with which she was familiar. It didn’t scare her away as it probably should have. Children of alcoholics think alcoholism is normal. So they stay, They keep going like they’ve been trained to do their whole lives.

My purpose is to get you to start thinking about these reasons and offer you solutions to manage them. They’ve made some comments and occasionally pressure you to ditch this sobriety thing and have a drink with them. There I stood, amidst the tumbling thoughts, and I stirred them about with something terrible called “righteous indignation.” And of course, Brian had no idea any of this was going on. Because at no point in our marriage had I said to Brian, “No drink for you! But still, I kind of wanted him to not never, ever drink again. They are my children and I missed them and I hugged them hard.

Signs That It’s Time To Leave An Alcoholic Husband or Wife

• As Laura McKowen discusses in her book “We are The Luckiest”, early sobriety truly is about birthing a new life.
• “Instead we get up at like half past 5 in the morning to go to the gym,” she said.
• You can go to a 12-step meeting or a recovery group and share about the situation.
• My wife, Sheri, is the product of two divorces in her formative years, while my parents are still married to this day.

Thus, to ensure a healthy marriage, specifically one that is supportive of your sobriety, there are steps you can take to protect your sobriety while your spouse still drinks. At NorthStar Transitions, we recognize that although sobriety is the safest and healthiest choice, it is a choice that each person must make for themselves. Thus, we are dedicated to meeting all our clients where they are in their recovery journey.

It’s a hard call to make, and up to the individual. But if your health and well-being depends on changing your drinking patterns, you’ll need to prioritize your recovery—even if this means leaving the relationship. When AUD exists in a marriage, it’s crucial to get on the same page about the treatment and recovery journey, which may require complete abstinence from alcohol. Understandably, this can be a challenging adjustment, especially when social drinking is a common aspect of many social interactions. However, supporting a spouse with AUD often means embracing lifestyle changes for their health and the health of your relationship. Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction.

If they continue to get worse, you may have to leave them. DO NOT let them drag you back into problematic drinking. I’m going to ask a series of questions and if it sounds like a YES to you, keep reading that section. I will break down several possibilities, but only you truly know your relationship and can determine what’s going on.

Just when the recovering addict needs forgiveness, the partner may view sobriety as an opportune time to bring up long-held grievances. However, adding to the addict’s shame can undermine unstable abstinence. Partners are accustomed to their roles – the addict being unreliable and dependent, and the partner being a super-responsible fixer.

Putting your children at risk.

That being said, there are things you can do to start rebuilding trust and communication with your spouse. Making an effort to learn and gain some insight into this disease and recovery is essential if you want to support your spouse in addiction recovery. It sends clear signals to your loved one that you care. Although it’s absolutely reasonable to ask for support, it’s not reasonable to ask others to quit drinking. You can’t force someone to make a change they aren’t ready to make.